At here, most of the time...

01 Jan 2007
the secret of love
Dr Tan Chong Kee

We all have a list of what our ‘right’ person must be: he or she must be attractive enough, rich enough, has a good enough job, has a high enough social status… and then they must be funny enough, intelligent enough, generous enough, patient enough, good enough in bed... and then they must be willing to pick me up from work, not get angry when I cancel on a dinner date, laugh at all my jokes, dresses the way I like, think the way I do… Sure, some of the items on the list are the bare essential items that let you know you have met the ‘right’ person – and they are different for different people. But if they are causing us never to meet anyone ‘right’, then it is probably a good idea to examine that list more closely to find out what is going on.

Why is it still so hard to find the right person even after reducing our list to the bare essentials? Even if we start a relationship with someone who meets all our core essentials, somehow, something goes wrong along the way. Let me admit right away that I tried for years to find one myself but have so far only several close hits but no true success story to report. And I looked at my friends who are so in love. What makes them the ‘right’ person for each other? What is their secret? How do people who are truly right for each other recognise each other? What is it that they look for in another that tells them: yes, this is the one for me? I really wanted to know so that I could find mine.

And then the true meaning of my friend’s answer dawned on me. The man to whom I’m willing to give 100 percent will be the right one for me. And similarly, the man from whom I will receive his 100 percent will pick me as his perfect match. The secret to love is ridiculously simple: it is the willingness to give and the willingness to receive.

Have you ever met someone and very quickly become attracted to them? That is the sign that you could potentially be each other’s perfect match. These are the people who fit all our core relationship essentials. As long as you are not emotionally shut down, your body and subconscious mind will let you know it very quickly through the feeling of strong attraction.

Whether or not that potential becomes realised depends crucially on how much we are willing to give and to receive. Love demands no less than our all. We are either giving our 100 percent or we are not. No bullshit, no hedging, no middle ground.

This is a hard lesson for many of us to learn. We fear giving 100 percent because we fear losing control. We tell ourselves if we love another person with all our heart, they will take advantage of us, or they will take us for granted, or I will not be able to make them do what I want anymore, or they will not love me back... So we hold back. We think we can play the game of giving the other person a little taste of the good stuff, and then give them more if they do something we like, or withhold if they do something we don’t like. Or we withhold to keep them on their toes, to keep them guessing so they would love us more. Or we set preconditions: we will give 100 percent only if there is total commitment. We forget that love that is withheld will simply wilt and wither and eventually, we do not give not because we choose not to, but because we have no love left in our hearts.

Or we fear receiving 100 percent because we fear the loss. We tell ourselves if they found out who we really are, they will no longer love us, so better not open our heart to receive or the loss will be too painful. We push people away and play hard to get. We show our ugly side little by little, if they are willing to accept that, then we will accept their love a little more. It becomes a game of ‘how much bad dynamics can I make this relationship sustain and still keep it limping on’. Or we set secret targets to see if they meet them, or secret traps to see if they would trip. We would rather kill love than to face our fear of receiving it. Some might even fear both giving and receiving and play both contradicting games at the same time, flipping from one to the other at the drop of a hat.

If I had a thousand pages I would not be able to enumerate all the games of love that we play. We have learned these games from our parents, from our friends and from our environment. We might be clever enough to have invented a few of our own. And the really clever ones could even invent games that will fool themselves. But consider this: would we still truly love and respect someone if we actually succeed in manipulating them? Isn’t it clear that these games will only lead to lose-lose end results? Isn’t it obvious that in using them to prevent what we don’t want from occurring, they become precisely what will cause the results we most dread?

Why then do we hang on to these games when they are causing us so much anguish? It is, ironically, because we are afraid of getting hurt. But guess what happens when you start playing games? You draw your partner in and sooner or later, they will respond with their own games. We thus create for ourselves this tragic vicious cycle: We play games to avoid getting hurt. These games cause us great hurt. So we hope that a more skillful play will give us the upper hand next time. Fear leading to pain leading to more fear leading to more pain. Relationships now become the place for us to refine our game-playing skills, as our mind churns out a hundred reasons why we must ‘win’ at all costs! Is it any wonder that so many people have completely given up on love? And we blame the world for it, without ever realising that we are creating and perpetuating our own hell.

But what about the hurt, some might insist, we cannot ignore that possibility can we? I am reminded of the lyrics that ask this question very poetically: “some say love, it is a razor, that leads your soul to bleed” And there is no better answer to this question than these same lyrics:

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never, learns to dance,
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never, takes the chance,
It's the one, who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to be,
And the soul, afraid of dying,
That never, learns to live.

The secret to love is there is no secret. Find the right person, then give and receive 100 percent. The deep dark secrets are in the games, and there is no need to dwell in those bleak and lifeless depths.

Are you still playing games with the one whom you love? Now is the perfect moment to take stock and ask yourself what you really want: to be ‘safe’ and ‘right’, or to find love. There will be pain whichever way you choose – one is the dull pain of slowly dying, the other is the quick pain of being alive. And there is also a difference in the pay off: in one, you get to feel superior if you ‘win’. In the other, you get to surrender to true love.

Dr Tan Chong Kee holds a Ph.D. in Chinese Literature from Stanford University in the United States and is one of Singapore's best-known figures in civil society activism.

You remind me of Michael Vartan from Alias, makes it difficult for me to watch it, at times.

Only you are are more blonde than he is.

The longer I stay here, the more affected I become, in a pleasant way. I relish the Melbourne way of life. Everyone always seem to be willing to offer a genuine smile, a gesture of help, even in the littlest way. Melbourne has been voted one of the most courteous countries and had been the most livable city before, but this time round its spirit really encapsulates me. Every time there will be someone (or more) willing to help a busy mum to push the tram up and off. Back home, people would think you are insane to even contemplate bringing out a toddler in prams, and would most likely think you deserve all the trouble you bring upon yourself. Oh how I love the design of prams, it seems to be able to fit kids any size at any angle. And the todds here seem to be enjoying the ride as well.

Saw how willing they are to lend a hand in times of trouble. When 3EA announced its closure, many wrote back to support Paul and Bel morally, and that they would follow Paul wherever he chooses to conduct his classes. As Alan put it, the gym is nothing more than a shell, take away the shell, and what remains is the spirit and essence of the community, and that is something that cannot be taken away. How apt. The farewell dinner at 3EA was one of bittersweet. I remember starting on a Friday, and coming to a full circle on a Friday as well. To think I don't work on Fridays. It is sad to see a place and people who you love so much being dismantled into pieces, but like Paul said, it opens another phase of his life and on the bright side, not operating the gym anymore gives him more time to be with Bel and their cats. It's enlightening how he can see the bright side even at such difficult times.

The same cannot be said if it happened back home. If such a thing occurred, it would more likely create an influx of calls asking for refunds and demands of explanations. Not so here. There are almost all shows of support and encouragement. These are the things that show me the lighter side of life. One that is hardly found in Singapore, unless you happen to be in the GEP programme, in RJC, a scholar, and has a dad who's a Member of Parliament. *wry smile*

I've changed my mind....I'm gonna stay put here after all.

1) Whatever I wanna do, I do, don't ask.
2) No waiting for people, once is enough
3) Whoever complains about what I do when I organise things can jolly well go either do themselves, or screw themselves
4) If I wanna go, go.

Mood: Agitated, resigned

As usual, was talking crap to The Sins. These 2 are tops. If only I could find someone who could click with me as much as they both do with each other. Oh well.
So I was talking crap with Roy, and he mentioned how frustrated my parents were when I was a kid (only a kid?! I think it's still the same now). I told him I was pretty much a kid on a destructive mode, literally. He was pretty amazed some of the things that happened, much less to a girl. A short summary:

1) Head got stuck at window grill. I know. I should be the last person that it happens to. Because with my big head. It would seem ridiculous to even attempt to stick my head out anything. But I did stick it out successfully. Not so pretty sight when I attempted to retrack my head. It just couldn't budge back in. So I started wailing. I remembered clearly that my grams and mum were home. And while my gram was using soap and water to lubricate my head, my mum, in clear frustration, said she might have to call the Civil Defence. -_- Only got me wailing even louder. Gram's patience finally pulled off, and with a very red neck, I was out. Obviously I didn't learn my lesson well when the following week, my leg got stuck between the panels of the rocking chair.

2) Grew older, but not wiser. I really seem to have a penchance into getting physical situations. It was time to queue for our daily bus ride home, and I was very intrigued by the emergency door knob by the side of the folding door. I thought if I was fast enough, I would activate the door knob while the door was still open, and rush into the bus before it closed. Very Big Mistake. I ended up having my left arm stuck outside and the rest of me inside. It wasn't the pain, more of the embarrassment, because the whole bus was filled with my kakis.

3) Not too long after that, as all kids do, we rush to our bus the moment the final bell sound. No clue to what happened that day, but I tripped and chipped off my front tooth. Blood was everywhere, and I was in serious pain. It was classic scene where I was at the back of the bus, facing the window, and crying my way home. Could remember my dad say, 'Not again'.

4) 11. One of my most accident prone years. During a PE lesson, I fell and fractured my left arm. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, pain aside. I could see the side part of my bone jutting out of my arm and my dad was called to school. In his frustration, he scolded me for crying, I was upset and confused, and told him, 'So pain, how not to cry', sheesh. Was brought to my mum's workplace and placed on X-ray, then to the OT for bone realignment. Was counting on to stay 1 night in the children's ward, thinking that the toys and books would be some sort of comfort. Nope, mum dragged me home in the middle of the night and took emergency leave for the next 3 days.

5) This one even better. Happily walking to one of my favourite stalls to buy food. Friend accidentally tripped me over and ended up knocking my head against the wall. Skin on forehad split and blood was everywhere. It was the blood that scared me more than the pain. It didn't seem to end. I had the honour of being sent to the hospital by my then-Vice Principal. I even remember requesting him to specifically send me to Gleneagles. He must have been thinking that I'm some atas girl, only go private hospital. Mum was informed and when she saw me, she heaved a sigh of resignation and, 'Again', slipped out from her.

How can a weird girl get into so many situations even before she hit 12? I’ve asked myself countless times. A good combination of hyperactivity, klutziness, sock-it attitude. I was not called the monkey-bar queen for nothing ‘k.

Need to cut my carbs liao....couldn't help gorging on breads and pastas when I first arrived, they are simply so delish! But now that I've put on 1 kg (*sobs* *wails!*), it's time to take action. Doesn't help matter when I only get to do cardio once a week. I've been so used to doing BC for at least 3-4 times per week, and I can't emphasise how much I hate running, but guess I might just have to bite the bullet and get it done.

All this, after my last ciabatta, then it's Carbs Are Evil Time!

Nv taking QF again. Paid so much for an ‘open-ticket’ and I can’t even change my flight back home. What kinda ticket is that??!! Total bollocks, I might be wasting a return trip ticket…basically, that’s what i’ve been told..

…’once you’ve started on your flight (ie from SG to Melb), it means that the ticket is already in use, and you are stuck with your original intended date, if you wanna upgrade to a full fare return ticket, it’d be 4k…’

I’m totally boggled! I can take more than 2 return flights with SQ with that price. My TA told me to give any date for return and to change when I’m here and I’m stuck with this now. And so SGD 800+ is not full fare? Fuck it lar….Total BS

So not taking Qantas ever again…

Am shifting my journal to www.cozylounge.net Coz I can fiddle with the outlook more easily. Sorry I've shifted my allegiance

Nuts, I'm trying to shift my blog from here to Blogger, solely because I can do my own template and host ftp from Blogger to my site. And I'm having loads of trouble getting round it. That serves me right for now listening in class during Poly and Uni, and thus I have to suffer!

Why is that some people, no matter how hard they try, barely succeeds? While some people works hard, and success comes easily. Rant..